It’s Time To Move Beyond “Him” vs. “Her”


 

love

The past couple days I’ve been in an interesting group conversation. The question was (and I’m paraphrasing the gentleman’s question), “To all the women on here, I want to know why you feel you deserve a good man.”

Now, generally I would have just passed on by and left it alone, but I found that I was curious about the answers I’d find. The first person to reply was a gentleman, who pretty much stated that “American women do not like to answer questions,” and then he added another derogatory comment that I shall leave out. Yes, I’m pretty sure he was wanting to start something, and yes, quite a few women replied.

At first, the answers were about wanting someone who supports, loves, encourages them, who won’t try to change them, etc. It then changed to one of the men asking, “Then why do you try to tell us who we can see or where we cannot go, because you think it is disrespectful to you?”

So, the women answered, and then Gentleman #1 piped in again (from here on out, I’ll call him #1), “Sir, not 1 American woman answered your question.” It was definitely getting interesting!

#1 kept on going, poking and prodding at the women who answered, even being quite disrespectful and rude toward women of color, women of a certain size, and woman of a certain nationality. Yes, you guessed it, he pushed my trigger button! Of course, I felt led to contribute to the conversation after that.

This was my first reply:

“There’s no definitive single answer. Everyone is different, with varying needs, wants, and preferences. I often see comments about “where are the good men” and “where are the good women.” Well, where are you looking, how are you behaving, and what have you been brainwashed to believe? How many people actually work on themselves first so that they can actually be a solid partner in an empowering relationship? Ideals change. Yet, what will it take to create a society that thrives on healthy, supportive relationships? I’ve got a few hints: eradicate jealousy (jealousy is simply insecurity and fear of loss), control, entitlement, unequally yoked partnerships (meaning, it’s half and half, not you give 10% and I give 90%). Come from a place of, “how can I BE that will encourage the both of us to grow and evolve?” Get rid of the silly “ownership” – it would be quite ridiculous to think that I could be 100% of what anyone needs, and it would be unfair of me to expect that from another. I would NEVER tell a partner what he/she would be allowed to do, wear, be, who they could be with, when, where, or how. So to answer your question, why do I deserve a good man? (Well, we all deserve a good man/woman, right?) … because I (everyone) deserve the experience of partnering with someone who is a mirror and helps me to see the real me, who helps me grow, who lets me give myself permission to be me with no apologies. The question maybe should be, “How are you BEING, what are you doing to empower yourself that will attract the one who wants to share that experience with you?”

#1 answered me, stating that I did not answer the question. I referred him back to the last part of my answer. Apparently that triggered HIM. He replied with a long paragraph, that has in the past 30 minutes been deleted, so I will do my best to remember what he said, and will share my answers. I will separate them into ‘conversation’ form for ease of reading.

I am not doing this to shame him, I am sharing this conversation because I recognize someone who is operating from a standpoint of “him vs. her,” not from a place of unconditional, conscious love, support, and acceptance. So, here goes:

 

#1: I can look in a garbage can for a sandwich, and maybe find a good one. I went to a pastor, he said, “Come to my church, you’ll find a woman.” So I dated a black woman and a white woman, the pastor said that he’d pay the women if they got me to give my money to the church.” I went looking for an apple and I bit into one with a worm. All women want a weak man, they don’t want strong men because they don’t want to be strong themselves.

Me: Aaaand it appears that you are judging ALL women by the bad apples you seem to have taken a bite of. (I am not calling anyone bad, I am alluding to the experiences themselves.)

#1: America needs to get rid of feminism. That’s the problem. That’s why almost all American men look for women in other countries.

Me: The men that I know are feminists. They are strong, they adore women who are strong themselves. The men I know and associate with support their strong women, and they hunger for a partnership with a woman who knows her place…as a leader, as a feminist, as a partner who shows him who HE truly is. And who gives a *&^% if men look for women in other countries? Women do, also. It’s refreshing (sometimes) to look past boundaries and citizenship and race.

#1: All women want is a man’s DNA so she can get child support. Where’s the equality in that?

Me: Sure, often men get the short end of the stick, but it’s not always the case. And a woman who attaches herself to a man who is of a lower consciousness and energy than she also has a lot to lose, including her self identity. You talk from a place of women are crap, and men are the losers in the game. You are talking from a place of “them” against “us.” You say you are looking looking, going, you are taking all this action and still not finding the right one. You appear to be focusing on “there are no good women.” Well, if that is where your energy is going, that is what your result will be and who you will attract. Sometimes the best way to find that perfect partner is to work on yourself first, stop looking, and allow that person to appear….when you have changed your outlook.

#1: Relationships have to have a boss. (In other words, woman, step down and get back in your place.)

Me: You say relationships are business, there has to be a boss…. I say, that is absolutely untrue. Relationships are PARTNERSHIPS, equality. Each partner has their own strengths they bring to the relationship, but to assign a ‘boss’ in the relationship? That is basically saying one is higher than the other, the other must be subservient, and is “less than.” I disagree with that wholeheartedly. That is the reason so many relationships fail or are unhappy. Because the one who is not the ‘boss’ ends up feeling less worthy. No, it’s equal everything. And a REAL partnership is one where each brings their own gifts and strengths to the table, each one uplifts and helps the other grow and supports each other, and gets their EGO out of the way. Men are just waking up, but some are realizing that the feminine is a very strong energy, and when the masculine stops doing everything in its power to keep the feminine beaten down and less than, when the masculine supports instead of divides, when the masculine stops fighting and helps the feminine in realizing who she REALLY is and both come together in perfect union as 2 wholes creating a more beautiful whole, then this world would be a better place.

#1: Women don’t want men to be real men.

Me: You say women don’t want mean to be real men? Women who are awake and conscious want exactly that. Both have a lot of work to do in recognizing the divine in each other, to recognize and accept each other’s strengths. There is so much jealousy, bigotry, control, him vs. her, them vs. us, there are so many people hurting and not working on healing the pain before they get into relationships because they think the relationship will heal them. That’s backwards. Everyone needs to just stop, take a few minutes to work on themselves, to grow, to wake up, to remember who they really are, and stop buying into the societal bullshit that runs on division instead of cooperation.

#1: It’s ridiculous for any man to think of marrying an American woman.

Me: Ridiculous for a man to think of marrying an American woman? Forget the citizenship status, in every single country on this entire planet, there are people who are asleep and in messed up relationships, and who subscribe to partnerships and marriages that are unhealthy. Boundaries, color, race mean nothing. In some countries it’s societal and fundamental religious control, it’s outrage at the freedoms of others, it’s “the man should control the woman” bs.

It’s ok though. Not everyone is on the same page, and still many have to come to a point where they are ready for a Conscious relationship based on mutual trust, freedom, evolution, support, love, and acceptance.  

I know who I am. I accept and love everyone unconditionally. I support those who are still growing. I embrace everyone 100%. I ignore color, race, sexual orientation, gender, social status. I look beyond all of that and I see them for who they really are, a part of the Divine expressing Itself as them. Do I connect with all who reach out to me? No, because I know that I desire someone who is on the same page spiritually and mentally; someone who sees me for who I AM, and who supports me in the way that best allows me to expand and fly higher. Someone who sees my visions and encourages me to fly, who will also be there when I come back down. Someone who is not threatened by my strength and power, someone who will NOT beat me down to satisfy their egotistic urge to control and rule over me, because they are too frightened to wake up to their own power.

In return, I support them in their endeavors, in their own growth. I encourage creativity, freedom, evolution. I desire relationships where we see each other as mirrors, where we meet on mutual ground and together do what it takes to hold each other up. When I allow the other to be free, to express him or herself, to connect with others from the standpoint of mutual joy and growth, then I also get to benefit from that.

Do I actively look for relationships? No. Everything flows to me. When I work on myself, when I stop trying to force things, when I relax, everything comes to me perfectly. Some relationships last a few minutes, some a few days, some a few weeks, some a few years. And I accept that. Who says a relationship MUST last forever? That’s a lie. We grow, we evolve, and we must be strong enough to let those we love go so that they may continue their journey which may or may not include us. And we let them go with love, instead of trying to hang on or control with egoistic little claws. Some societies have the norm where the man is in control, the woman must submit, and she must do as he bids. Some women accept that as the norm. But it won’t always be that way. The planet is waking up.

People are slowly healing from the abuse and control, and they are realizing that there are relationships that are more empowering. It won’t change overnight, but it is changing.

Again, this post is not meant to shame someone for what they believe. My purpose is to open eyes, to help us ALL to remember that we all make mistakes, we all have outdated beliefs that no longer serve ourselves, each other, and humanity…we all have healing to do, and we all deserve Conscious relationships that encourage us to grow, where we can support each other wholeheartedly, practice unconditional love, and give each other the freedom to BE who we are, as well as allowing us to give ourselves permission to live our truth.

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