There’s No Need to Look for Love, We ARE Love


love recoloredI begin each day with some reading, meditation, and a thought for the day. Usually it’s something that I may need to remember about myself, heal, or learn more about.

One topic that has been popping up almost daily for the past year is that we ARE all Love.

The Hunt

Most of my life consisted of constant searching for someone to love me. I longed for another person to shower me with affection and give me their heart, their adoration, their love. I wanted them to give me what I couldn’t (and didn’t know how to) give myself.

And so, desperately searching for love and acceptance. I entered relationships and friendships with that sole underlying purpose.

However, as you can probably guess, they were co-dependent, toxic and unhealthy situations that further fueled my need and hunger for some sense of love. Because, obviously, they were entered from a place of lack and need, not a mutual understanding of our true selves and ultimate truth.

And therein lay the problem. No person could give me what I already am.

I AM. Two tiny words, yet I had no idea the tremendous power they hold. Nor did I realize at the time (or remember) my true nature.

The Healing

Numerous broken hearts later, I found myself caught up in a down-spiral of despair, loss of self, grief and declining health. I experienced several “dark nights of the soul.” However, years into this darkness, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

People showed up who walked with me for a short time on my healing journey.  Books would appear that led me onto an inner exploration far beyond where any novel could take me.

Healers appeared, and they were instrumental in assisting me on my path to emotional and physical healing. (This is why I am now a reiki practitioner.)

Some souls that emerged were also on their own journey of re-discovery of self and shared their insights of self awareness and hope for brighter days.

Spiritual leaders began to emerge, and I gradually embraced my hunger to evolve and embrace new truths, especially those about spirituality and love.

The Treasure

I discovered a treasure that was more valuable than gold.

That treasure was my truth. It was the discovery that I AM love. I AM life essence. I AM life source living through and as me.

I learned to surrender. I relaxed into the flow with the knowledge that I don’t need to search for love. I AM Love. I am that being that pulses with a healing light that can never be dimmed.

I no longer seek out an emotion called Love; I understand that it is me. I get to embody Love itself, and in doing so, I give myself what others cannot.

The best way we can love ourselves and others is to BE. To embrace our truths. And when it comes to relationships, the best gift we can give our partners is our whole, self, vulnerability and all. Yes, we can participate in actions that express our affection, but ultimately, we don’t GIVE love. We give ourselves AS love.

Love is our essence, our lifeblood. We don’t need to set out on a quest to search out and grasp that seemingly hard-to-reach emotion.

It’s all right here. Now. As you. As me.

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It’s Time To Move Beyond “Him” vs. “Her”


 

love

The past couple days I’ve been in an interesting group conversation. The question was (and I’m paraphrasing the gentleman’s question), “To all the women on here, I want to know why you feel you deserve a good man.”

Now, generally I would have just passed on by and left it alone, but I found that I was curious about the answers I’d find. The first person to reply was a gentleman, who pretty much stated that “American women do not like to answer questions,” and then he added another derogatory comment that I shall leave out. Yes, I’m pretty sure he was wanting to start something, and yes, quite a few women replied.

At first, the answers were about wanting someone who supports, loves, encourages them, who won’t try to change them, etc. It then changed to one of the men asking, “Then why do you try to tell us who we can see or where we cannot go, because you think it is disrespectful to you?”

So, the women answered, and then Gentleman #1 piped in again (from here on out, I’ll call him #1), “Sir, not 1 American woman answered your question.” It was definitely getting interesting!

#1 kept on going, poking and prodding at the women who answered, even being quite disrespectful and rude toward women of color, women of a certain size, and woman of a certain nationality. Yes, you guessed it, he pushed my trigger button! Of course, I felt led to contribute to the conversation after that.

This was my first reply:

“There’s no definitive single answer. Everyone is different, with varying needs, wants, and preferences. I often see comments about “where are the good men” and “where are the good women.” Well, where are you looking, how are you behaving, and what have you been brainwashed to believe? How many people actually work on themselves first so that they can actually be a solid partner in an empowering relationship? Ideals change. Yet, what will it take to create a society that thrives on healthy, supportive relationships? I’ve got a few hints: eradicate jealousy (jealousy is simply insecurity and fear of loss), control, entitlement, unequally yoked partnerships (meaning, it’s half and half, not you give 10% and I give 90%). Come from a place of, “how can I BE that will encourage the both of us to grow and evolve?” Get rid of the silly “ownership” – it would be quite ridiculous to think that I could be 100% of what anyone needs, and it would be unfair of me to expect that from another. I would NEVER tell a partner what he/she would be allowed to do, wear, be, who they could be with, when, where, or how. So to answer your question, why do I deserve a good man? (Well, we all deserve a good man/woman, right?) … because I (everyone) deserve the experience of partnering with someone who is a mirror and helps me to see the real me, who helps me grow, who lets me give myself permission to be me with no apologies. The question maybe should be, “How are you BEING, what are you doing to empower yourself that will attract the one who wants to share that experience with you?”

#1 answered me, stating that I did not answer the question. I referred him back to the last part of my answer. Apparently that triggered HIM. He replied with a long paragraph, that has in the past 30 minutes been deleted, so I will do my best to remember what he said, and will share my answers. I will separate them into ‘conversation’ form for ease of reading.

I am not doing this to shame him, I am sharing this conversation because I recognize someone who is operating from a standpoint of “him vs. her,” not from a place of unconditional, conscious love, support, and acceptance. So, here goes:

 

#1: I can look in a garbage can for a sandwich, and maybe find a good one. I went to a pastor, he said, “Come to my church, you’ll find a woman.” So I dated a black woman and a white woman, the pastor said that he’d pay the women if they got me to give my money to the church.” I went looking for an apple and I bit into one with a worm. All women want a weak man, they don’t want strong men because they don’t want to be strong themselves.

Me: Aaaand it appears that you are judging ALL women by the bad apples you seem to have taken a bite of. (I am not calling anyone bad, I am alluding to the experiences themselves.)

#1: America needs to get rid of feminism. That’s the problem. That’s why almost all American men look for women in other countries.

Me: The men that I know are feminists. They are strong, they adore women who are strong themselves. The men I know and associate with support their strong women, and they hunger for a partnership with a woman who knows her place…as a leader, as a feminist, as a partner who shows him who HE truly is. And who gives a *&^% if men look for women in other countries? Women do, also. It’s refreshing (sometimes) to look past boundaries and citizenship and race.

#1: All women want is a man’s DNA so she can get child support. Where’s the equality in that?

Me: Sure, often men get the short end of the stick, but it’s not always the case. And a woman who attaches herself to a man who is of a lower consciousness and energy than she also has a lot to lose, including her self identity. You talk from a place of women are crap, and men are the losers in the game. You are talking from a place of “them” against “us.” You say you are looking looking, going, you are taking all this action and still not finding the right one. You appear to be focusing on “there are no good women.” Well, if that is where your energy is going, that is what your result will be and who you will attract. Sometimes the best way to find that perfect partner is to work on yourself first, stop looking, and allow that person to appear….when you have changed your outlook.

#1: Relationships have to have a boss. (In other words, woman, step down and get back in your place.)

Me: You say relationships are business, there has to be a boss…. I say, that is absolutely untrue. Relationships are PARTNERSHIPS, equality. Each partner has their own strengths they bring to the relationship, but to assign a ‘boss’ in the relationship? That is basically saying one is higher than the other, the other must be subservient, and is “less than.” I disagree with that wholeheartedly. That is the reason so many relationships fail or are unhappy. Because the one who is not the ‘boss’ ends up feeling less worthy. No, it’s equal everything. And a REAL partnership is one where each brings their own gifts and strengths to the table, each one uplifts and helps the other grow and supports each other, and gets their EGO out of the way. Men are just waking up, but some are realizing that the feminine is a very strong energy, and when the masculine stops doing everything in its power to keep the feminine beaten down and less than, when the masculine supports instead of divides, when the masculine stops fighting and helps the feminine in realizing who she REALLY is and both come together in perfect union as 2 wholes creating a more beautiful whole, then this world would be a better place.

#1: Women don’t want men to be real men.

Me: You say women don’t want mean to be real men? Women who are awake and conscious want exactly that. Both have a lot of work to do in recognizing the divine in each other, to recognize and accept each other’s strengths. There is so much jealousy, bigotry, control, him vs. her, them vs. us, there are so many people hurting and not working on healing the pain before they get into relationships because they think the relationship will heal them. That’s backwards. Everyone needs to just stop, take a few minutes to work on themselves, to grow, to wake up, to remember who they really are, and stop buying into the societal bullshit that runs on division instead of cooperation.

#1: It’s ridiculous for any man to think of marrying an American woman.

Me: Ridiculous for a man to think of marrying an American woman? Forget the citizenship status, in every single country on this entire planet, there are people who are asleep and in messed up relationships, and who subscribe to partnerships and marriages that are unhealthy. Boundaries, color, race mean nothing. In some countries it’s societal and fundamental religious control, it’s outrage at the freedoms of others, it’s “the man should control the woman” bs.

It’s ok though. Not everyone is on the same page, and still many have to come to a point where they are ready for a Conscious relationship based on mutual trust, freedom, evolution, support, love, and acceptance.  

I know who I am. I accept and love everyone unconditionally. I support those who are still growing. I embrace everyone 100%. I ignore color, race, sexual orientation, gender, social status. I look beyond all of that and I see them for who they really are, a part of the Divine expressing Itself as them. Do I connect with all who reach out to me? No, because I know that I desire someone who is on the same page spiritually and mentally; someone who sees me for who I AM, and who supports me in the way that best allows me to expand and fly higher. Someone who sees my visions and encourages me to fly, who will also be there when I come back down. Someone who is not threatened by my strength and power, someone who will NOT beat me down to satisfy their egotistic urge to control and rule over me, because they are too frightened to wake up to their own power.

In return, I support them in their endeavors, in their own growth. I encourage creativity, freedom, evolution. I desire relationships where we see each other as mirrors, where we meet on mutual ground and together do what it takes to hold each other up. When I allow the other to be free, to express him or herself, to connect with others from the standpoint of mutual joy and growth, then I also get to benefit from that.

Do I actively look for relationships? No. Everything flows to me. When I work on myself, when I stop trying to force things, when I relax, everything comes to me perfectly. Some relationships last a few minutes, some a few days, some a few weeks, some a few years. And I accept that. Who says a relationship MUST last forever? That’s a lie. We grow, we evolve, and we must be strong enough to let those we love go so that they may continue their journey which may or may not include us. And we let them go with love, instead of trying to hang on or control with egoistic little claws. Some societies have the norm where the man is in control, the woman must submit, and she must do as he bids. Some women accept that as the norm. But it won’t always be that way. The planet is waking up.

People are slowly healing from the abuse and control, and they are realizing that there are relationships that are more empowering. It won’t change overnight, but it is changing.

Again, this post is not meant to shame someone for what they believe. My purpose is to open eyes, to help us ALL to remember that we all make mistakes, we all have outdated beliefs that no longer serve ourselves, each other, and humanity…we all have healing to do, and we all deserve Conscious relationships that encourage us to grow, where we can support each other wholeheartedly, practice unconditional love, and give each other the freedom to BE who we are, as well as allowing us to give ourselves permission to live our truth.

Embrace The Curves!


Last night one of my friends, who is African American, experienced racism directed toward him (I’ll have more about that in a future post).

In my Facebook post I ranted about discrimination in general, and then I detailed the discrimination I had experienced because of my size. One person I was in a relationship with wasn’t always kind, but I know he did want me to be healthy. However, many of the words directed toward me were not empowering but DISempowering. My self esteem had plummeted. It was a vicious cycle: feel bad about myself, don’t receive validation or emotional support, medicate by eating, feel bad about myself…and on and on.

I looked for validation, acceptance, empowerment from a significant other, but I didn’t realize that I needed to give that to MYSELF. I hated the way I looked, I shriveled up inside. I became weak, dependent, and destroyed all barriers that would have protected my self worth. I accepted actions and words that tore me down; I allowed it because any attention was better than no attention.

I became a prisoner. It got to the point where I was nervous walking out the door. Of course, I had to, but it was difficult. I could only see myself through someone else’s eyes, and that someone didn’t see me for the goddess I was/am, the strong woman that I am. That person was a dirty mirror; my reflection was distorted and unreal.

I recall a day when I went to the grocery store. It was very warm, so I wore a pair of long’ish shorts, a nice blouse, and sandals. I got out of the car, walked through the parking lot, and headed to the front door.

I was a bit thinner than I am now, but still thick and curvy. I looked fine for being out in public (of course, it’s my body, my life, no one should dictate what I can wear or not wear, EVER). A man watched me walk to the door, rolled his eyes at me, shook his head, said, “JESUS CHRIST!” then glared at me as I walked through the entry. He acted like I had no business showing my legs! Needless to say, I was shattered.

And then another incident:

Years ago I was to meet a man in Seattle. It was a networking meeting over coffee after I had dropped my daughter off to meet with her grandmother. I was wearing black slacks, casual shoes, a white blouse and a sweater; my hair was done nicely and I was wearing a little makeup. I walked into the establishment. Now, I had talked with the guy on social media and via email, and I knew what he looked like. I had also spoken with him on the phone. He was situated in a spot where he could see me walk in the door, and after I entered, it took a moment for me to see him. I walked up to him, held out my hand, spoke his name, and smiled…he gave me a once-over, head to toe and back up again, shook his head, shuttered his eyes, turned his back to me and ignored me. Ok, so, maybe his intentions were less than genuine and I didn’t know it. It took me a moment to recover as I stood there and looked at him. The more I looked, the tenser he became. I held my head up, proudly walked out, got into my car, drove around the block, stopped at a gas station parking lot, and burst into tears.

As humans, we all want to be loved, to be valued, to be cherished. We want to be supported, empowered, and want to hold our heads high. As a heavy, curvy woman, it took decades to accept myself. I had to remember that this is MY journey, and every step, every connection, every pound, every opportunity for personal evolution is perfection, no matter what any other person on this planet has to say about it.

The media has had a huge hand in our perception of beauty, and for the most part it has been an ugly hand. For a long time beauty has been defined only as thin, tall, toned, waifish, and even skeletal. Thick, curvy women were ignored, or even ostracized. Yes, it goes on daily.

Now, we all have our preferences, and that is perfectly fine. However, the time is now to get past the single definition of beauty and embrace our wholeness. It’s time to love every pound, every curve, every roll, every dimple, every wrinkle, every stretch mark, EVERY delicious part. We can stand strong in the knowledge that we are perfection. We are all brilliant beings with a purpose and design, and it is a very selfish act to hide ourselves behind a curtain.

Soon after I posted my discrimination rant, I saw that Khari had put up a link for his new book, Curvy and Confident: Inspiring Women to Love Themselves.”

Curvy and Confident

I’ve been a fan of Khari’s for a while, and yes, even spent a few lonely nights curled up in a ball, in tears, listening to his beautiful music, wishing that I had someone to say those things to me, and MEAN it. So I can tell you with utter honesty, when I saw this book link my first thought was, “FINALLY.” He has been instrumental in lifting women up and allowing them to give themselves permission to be confident, to be free, and to love themselves no matter what, and to know that they are appreciated more than they can imagine.

It’s a beautiful thing when an admirer, partner, friend, or lover appreciates the entire package…body, mind, and soul. For those who have experienced discrimination because of size, let me tell you this: Those who can’t appreciate the ALL-NESS of you are missing out on something wonderful. It’s ok, let them stay in their small, little world. There are others who are waiting to embrace your luscious curves, who are wanting to experience your strength, confidence, and your brilliant self. Don’t believe what you see when you look into the dirty mirrors; see your reflection in those who have wiped away judgment and who love you for YOU.